I must start this review with my sincerest apologies to any readers out there who hate sweet dessert and breakfast strains. I’ve been hanging out in the bakery a lot recently like a Tommy Tubby with 3 of my last 4 strains being Jelly Donutz, Grape Pie, and now, Apple Tartz.
I’m addicted to the pastries, I readily admit. My lungs are pretty much pre-diabetic at this point.
I can’t help it, I Krispy Kreme my pants whenever I roll into a dispensary that’s got some pancake-ass sweet fruity strudel shit on the menu.
So again, forgive me for going hard in this one little golden, flaky, buttery sub-genre of craft cannabis. Bud that smells and tastes like baked goods just makes me want to get baked.
Flavor chasers will understand. Everyone else, don’t fret, I’ll probably get some gassy ass skunk spray weed next re-up. Got to keep things exciting on The Hallowed Gram!
Apple Tartz Genetic Lineage Explained
But for today, what’s more exciting than a strain that can call the utterly delectable Apple Fritter as well as the goddess of hype strains herself, Runtz, as its parents?
Clearwater Genetics took the already calorie dense Apple Fritter and added an extra fruity creamy punch by crossing it with the phenom Runtz to create a strain that’s got it all; mesmerizingly sweet top notes underwritten by a dense bready full-bodied flavor.
We’re talking Padme Lakshmi and Monica Bellucci levels of drool here that crosses genders and pre-assumed orientations.
Always figured yourself a sativa person? Only smoke that GMO funk? Give Apple Tartz a try if you see it, you might find yourself surprised.
This work of art was architected by the big brains over at Clearwater Genetics out of Colorado. Just go spend a few minutes perusing Clearwater’s genetic selections, they’re loads of fun and remind me of the cornucopia of treats I’d get each Halloween as a kid.
What better strain to try from the masters of toaster-friendly breakfast foods and tropical cocktails than Apple Tartz.
And what better farm to fully trust in ensuring these genetics are realized to their fullest potential in Fox Hollow Flora, which is one of my favorite farms in Oregon and always worth checking out if you are lucky enough to find them on a menu in a dispensary.
Fastidiously looked after organic soil beauty pageant winners are name of Fox Hollow’s game and it shows in the quality of the smoke. It’s not a lot of misses for the sake of a couple grand slams, they’ve been consistent scorers over years now, making dropping coin at the dispensary an easy decision.
Apple Tartz has a terpene profile that backs up its name and with the genetics and farm quality, well, I had a sneaky suspicion this was going to be a good time…
Appearance: Wild Little Wads of Purple Goji Berries
Some people get most excited over super dense buds, nugs that look like cattails or corndogs, just dense as fuck.
Other people like the uniformity of medium sized little Dorito-3D buggers.
Big, thick, petite, long, short, perfectly trimmed or left el natural, cannabis comes in a lot of different form factors.
Personally I like them all. All the unique shapes, the curvature of these plants flowers are all sexy in their own ways.
This properly grown Apple Tartz from Fox Hollow Flora is exactly what I personally think of when I think of exciting bud/bag appeal.
These buds are chunky little clusters that look like the tar crumbs from a freshly laid asphalt driveway/road.
They look like if you stepped on them they’d stick to the bottom of your boot and be a major pain in the ass to remove.
You’d definitely need to use a stick to unstick yourself if you stepped on this.
This run of Apple Tartz has sultry dark purples and hues of dark pine forest woven throughout making it look like a flower with the contrast setting turned up extra high.
Sure, they aren’t the most trichome crusted buds I’ve ever seen but that also isn’t the end-all be-all in how “good” a strain is. These just look like very healthy buds, like they grew with vigor.
I’d be proud to break this out at a party to share with guests or as a guest. It looks great and as we’ll get into next, don’t smell half bad either!
Smell: A Natural Coffee Companion
It smells like opening a paper bag full of apple danishes and cream cheese strudels from a local fresh-made bakery. I’d love to smell this bud fresh harvested, just like the pastries they’re named after, they’re always peak freshly produced.
This quarter ounce of Apple Tartz wasn’t quite as sugary sweet as I was expecting but had a more pronounced apple note than I was hoping for. These apples were picked from the tree in the backyard and sliced fresh for these here tartz, or it least it smells thataway.
There’s a golden browned baked dough note as well, undoubtedly from the Animal Cookies grandparent behind the Apple Fritter parent.
There’s an almost vanilla cream light top layer, which I suspect is from the Gelato grandparent. These are ultimately combined and expressed in the Apple Fritter and Runtz parents of this here Apple Tartz.
Taking a few dry pulls is well worth your time to whet your appetite before lighting up.
The flavor is warm and inviting. The baked, perhaps slightly browned, sugary bread over the clear as day roasted apple is an absolute delight. Clearwater Genetics struck gold with this Runtz cross and I’m not even a Runtz diehard.
This would be a pleasure to smoke in the morning as part of a wake and bake ritual. The inehrent similarities to their pastry namesake mean this strain would absolutely spap with a cup of quality coffee in the AM.
Apple Tartz would also be a great one to pick up for a party to share with people as there are no sharp nose-tingly peppercorn type terpenes. It’s all soft and fuzzy baked comfort food.
Think snowy December Christmas break at your grandmas in Wisconsin. Some wreath tree, cinnamon, fresh baked cookies, all next to a soothing gas fireplace.
Sensation: Feels Semi-Arquilian
^For all you non-virgins out there Arquilians are the race of tiny little alienoids featured in Men in Black.
The internet seems to think this is a more indica leaning hybrid, meaning in layperson that it’s more “chill-inducing” than “energizing” but not like total comatose chill.
To me, after chiefing multiple grams rolled up in the traditionalists choice RAW Classic Blacks, it feels more 50/50 balanced between indica/chill and sativa/energy.
I’ve got about probably a couple grams left in my Re:Stash mason jar out of an original quarter ounce (approx. 7g) so I’ve been smoking on this for a while and have formed a pretty solid opinion of what kind of bud this is.
The initial high is very smooth, not as fast hitting for me, but did eventually ramp up, like a turbo spooling on a small displacement engine, to get me to a very nice stoney state with satisfactory gusto.
Overall mood was chill. So in generic Leafly-speak this would be another “calming” strain. I’d lead with “this strain pours coal into the steam engine that is your brain” while your body continues to chug along. Choo, choo friend, choo choo.
Can you function? Easy. Cook some frozen pizza? Doable.
Think of a million new rad entrepreneurial crack pipe dreams? Unavoidable
Apple Tartz imparted an interesting style of high that I’ve grown to appreciate over the last few weeks of sampling it. In addition to good looks and memorable terpenes Apple Tartz also had a unique ability to plug into multiple different settings with ease.
Conclusion: A Good Functional Stone
This batch of Apple Tartz was picked up from Oregrown in Portland the weekend prior to my friends coming out to Oregon for a group trip to the coast.
Therefore outside of a few initial pre-trip samples, the first test of Apple Tartz was in many social settings ranging from 2-7 people, for a total of three or so days out and about.
It performed stellar. It’s not sedating. It’s not going to make take you out of the action by turning you into a sleepy dwarf.
Apple Tartz kept my mind chugging along, perhaps at a bit of an accelerated pace, while keeping my body and stress levels comfortably suppressed.
This is why I equated it to The Arquilians in MIB. I feel like the little man in the face of that robot shell man. I’m in my pod, viewing the world and pulling levers for my arms and legs but my brain is the star of the show.
Which as I write that makes it really sound like one of the most “duh” things I’ve ever written but I’m keeping it in because this is simply how the weed wants itself to be shared.
Social events, hanging by yourself, creative thinking, these are all good applications for Apple Tartz because of it’s “high”-functioning tendency.
Every smoke of this was the same. This is why I like Fox Hollow Flora; the unique combination of quality but also consistency, over time, without stagnating in creativity.
From opening my Re:Stash jar to take a whiff to breaking its dense sticky buds up in my fingers to rolling it, lighting it, the burn of the joint, the flavor, the high, the duration. It was like cloning an experience in time.
Apple Tartz is also very modular, something you can smoke and then a couple hours smoke again to re-up your high back to where you were, which is very convenient.
I probably smoked three joints of Apple Tartz in between drinking some THC syrup, smoking bowls of Strawberry Cough, and ultimately trying to tackle a 2 gram moonrock blunt.
The point here with modularity is you can keep stacking these buds and chain the highs together for one long smooth fun half (or full, no judgement) day of doing nothing but a lot of walking and thinking.
If you like pastry strains this one is a no-brainer. If you like sweet strains it’s equally a no-brainer. If you’re all gas or funk then maybe not but I wouldn’t disregard Apple Tartz entirely because if you like bakeries then you’ll probably enjoy this smoke.
