This is a running list of things that are not good to do stoned primarily because they will ultimately result in adding complexity, stress, and potentially social anguish to your life.
I think it is important to share such a list because these things, places, and activities are always, like, a surprisingly bad idea in retrospect but which, at the time, seemed like perfectly reasonable things to do when high as fuck.
Check back once and a while as I’ll continually add to this list as I continually stumble through this giant fascinating maze we call life.
1. Try to add your wife or husband to full card member privilege on your credit card of choices shitty app.
You will inevitably not share any account equity of access but instead, order a brand new credit card to be shipped to your door with the same name as a person at that address who already has one.
2. Drive a motor vehicle while well and truly high.
Cannabis is going to replace alcohol as America’s favorite pastime sooner rather than later, and the system is going to look to capitalize on that by making driving under the influence laws strict as hell.
Let’s just be better than alcohol lovers, alright? They suck at self-modulating and driving responsibly.
As stoners, we can think very, VERY deeply about what we’re doing and the consequence of our actions. You know when you’re too high to drive. Take the long bet. It’s worth it.
3. Drink Tons of Alcohol.
The easiest way to spot someone who hasn’t yet fully understood (talking about cannabis-induced revelations here) the all-dominating supremacy of cannabis is when they smoke weed and then get blasted.
You live your life however you please, but cannabis is meant to be enjoyed on its own, before alcohol, the day after alcohol, with a small, very flavorful amount of alcohol, but never after a lot of alcohol.
When you’re on the downward slope of your binge, the comfort of the warm embrace of Mary Jane can be tempting, but she and little miss Jackie Daniels don’t exactly get along that well, and you’re more likely to get the spins than that sedation you’re craving.
4. Walk Down Fremont Street in Las Vegas
I recently tried to capture the experience in a little travel guide for stoners in Vegas.
To sum it up, the sheer intensity that Fremont Streets imparts upon all of your senses at full blast is already quite overwhelming of an experience when straight sober.
Layer thickly over that the intense energy that a gassy AF sativa imparts on your sensory receptors, and jesus christ, it truly is a jaw-clenching experience if you’re a moderately-stimulated individual.
These words of caution are honestly mostly projected at amateur smokers (tourists, bachelor/bachelorette parties, conventions, etc.) first and foremost just because that “it stays in Vegas” tagline does actually seem to motivate people to indulge.
But if you’re a seasoned vet or even an intermediate smoker, as I consider myself, then Fremont can be cool; you just have to be ready to let the waves of capitalist Americana wash over you for what they are.
5. Interview For a Job
Yeah, this one might seem obvious, but when you’ve been unemployed for two months and are on your third interview, the pressure starts to mount, and sometimes that pressure can manifest itself in the form of unhealthy nervousness.
So, you may think, in an effort to calm your nerves and focus your mind, why not have a tiny rip of the ole bong?
Well, first of all, a full fat bong rip is probably way more than enough to calm yourself and more likely going to put you over into the “sorry, I forgot what I was talking about” mid-sentence.
Small pipe rips or one-hitter are more appropriate, but you’ve still got the issue of if you overdo it, there’s no real way to undo what has already been inhaled.
As such, you may only compound your nervousness because now you’re high, second-guessing your decisions, and frantically obsessing over whether you “look stoned or not.”
Just be nervous and do the interview sweaty and sober. Sure, some people are super functional high, and god bless ’em, but for the rest of us, well, it’s best we wait until the interview is over to toke.
5. Book Travel Plans
Yes, yes, yes, no, I hear you dreaming of tropical white sand bitches with cocktails in fresh coconuts with their lids hacked off with a machete while stoned is a blast, especially with matching tunes playing.
Just leave it at the approximate destination discussion, and don’t try to go through the entire process of booking an entire trip. Why?
First, while you might not be completely out of it, like when wasted on booze, you’re also not 100% with it if you fly to the moon. More with it than booze, sure, but still not with it enough to be dropping stacks (yes, that’s stacks plural, as in $1,000s). That’s because…
Secondly, trying to time up intricate shit like managing a timeline of continuity from your house or apartment to an airport through the sky and then to a hotel in a country where you likely don’t speak the language requires library-quiet levels of precision.
So keep a rough list, talk about different dreams, and remember them so that you can go back to your list of high ideas later with a clear mind (and memory of how hard it was to build up what meager savings you have) and make gratifyingly responsible decisions, with a few irresponsible ones thrown in for spice.
6. Use Weed To Avoid Difficult Emotions
After taking countless THC breaks, ranging from a week to multiple months, I can confidently say that cannabis isn’t addictive for me personally.
Others, however, are all too eager to try to use the magical healing powers of the green for every single stressor that pops up in their life. While it’s a great plant, it isn’t magic, and we can’t pin all of our own shortcomings on it; that’s just not fair.
Some difficult events in life will be painful, and this pain pushes us through and grows us as individuals. Heck, even cannabis plants go through targeted periods of stress (LST/HST/topping, etc.), which results in an even more, flowery final form.
What I’m trying to say here is if you’ve got some heavy stuff going on in your life, cannabis can be a great occasional aid in finding temporary relaxation.
Still, ultimately it’s not a cure-all for large, difficult emotional transformations like losing a loved one, for example.
We must continue to feel in its full (sometimes painful) force to grow as spiritual creatures of earth. Cannabis does not alter this reality and, as such, shouldn’t become a crutch for every unpleasant event in your life.
7. Explore a Doctor’s Office
Without getting into too many details, I found myself trying to find someone in an emergency wing with an edible and a couple of beers in me. I went into the wrong room and mistook a Doctor’s candidness for sarcasm while simultaneously realizing the person in the room wasn’t the one I was looking for.
It was a terrifyingly embarrassing moment. Hospitals are buildings of precision and privacy, and it’s best not to be too high in there unless, of course, its medically prescribed then keep on living the dream, brother!
