First off, before you tuck in here, know that in all the dispensaries I’ve ever been to, the WORST case scenario is I get some weed that, while today may be “mids bro,” would easily be “dank” during most of my teens and twenties.
The cannabis cultivation arms race has been raging for decades and has raised the average bar relatively high.
In terms of gelling with the people, the worst-case scenario you’ll get is uneducated and disinterested salespeople, just like any other retail interaction you have in your daily life.
Given there’s no terrible worst-case scenario, you really shouldn’t stress out about buying cannabis at a dispensary, even if you’ve never been to one before.
Table of Contents
Oh yeah, we generally use the scientific name “cannabis” over “weed” or “marijuana,” but ultimately, the grammar police don’t fuck with the weed crowd, so use whatever verbiage you prefer.
Now that we’ve cleared the air, let’s dig into a few methods, mindsets, tips, and tricks you can use to make your dispensary experience as good as it can be. Everything below is something I wish I had known when I first discovered the joy of dispensaries…
There’s No Need To Conform
You may think yourself an outsider and everyone else an insider, but on the whole, cannabis communities don’t operate like that. There’s a reason why weed is associated with chill and inclusive people: because chill-inclusive people like weed!
As such, don’t feel like you need to dress, act, or talk a certain way to “fit in” because individuality is celebrated. Authenticity is respected in the world of cannabis, including dispensaries.
Always Sniff Out Knowledge Bombs
Some budtenders are only in it for the employee discounts, while others are legitimately passionate about all aspects of the plant. If I had to wager a percent split, I’d guess this sits around 80/20 (meh/bro, did you know).
This means most of the time, you’ll get fundamental-level guidance during your selection process. Still, it’s generally enough to get you out of there with a product you can at least feel moderately comfortable consuming.
It’s the truly passionate budtenders you want to keep an eye out for, because when you meet one, you will want to go full sponge mode, asking and soaking up as many questions as possible.
It’s always best to get your info directly from the biggest geeks in whatever you’re learning.
Seek Out Good Experiences
If you’re looking for trouble, you’re likely to find it. If it’s chilled-out stoner bliss you seek, that can also be found easily. Thus, if you’re going to the dispensary to get some edibles for you and your buddies to drop before a night out binging on booze for a bachelor party, let me caution you this one time against it. TRUST ME.
If you’re getting hyped about going to a new restaurant/food truck or going on an epic hike, or want to Netflix and chill ALL WEEKEND LONG, then you’ve got your heart in the right place!
Everything Is Technically A Hybrid
But there are still those with more uplifting and energizing terpene and cannabinoid profiles, and those with the opposite, more calming and sedating profiles.
As such, you won’t find a “pure” hybrid or “pure” indica, but you’ll be able to see those ends of the spectrum if that’s what you seek.
This isn’t a negative; it’s just something to be aware of. For most first-timers starting with a hybrid, a 50/50 balance is a logical starting point, as you can gauge the feeling and then try a more indica- or sativa-leaning strain your next go-round, depending on how the first time went.
If you felt way too uptight, intense, kind of “geek-out” territory, then I’d recommend trying a more indica-dominant strain the second time. If you fell asleep right away, you may be interested in sampling some gassy sativa on your next go-around.
Many smokers prefer one or the other, but many smoke them more in line with their goals. For example, the more sativa-leaning strains are great for morning smokes, adventurous smokes, chores, etc., while more indica-leaning strains are best for chill sessions and/or calming down after a long day.
Crazy Strain Names Do Have Meaning
Romancers of Mary Jane are a dazzlingly creative bunch. As such, the enthusiast community has collected and cultivated a dazzling variety of strains over the years.
Do Tropicana Cookies really taste like an exotically tropical cookie? Yeah, it does. Does Purple Punch smell and taste like grapes? Yes, it should. Does Pot Roast really remind one of a slow-cooked chunk of meat? In some ways, if you really look for it, yes.
Cannabis strain nomenclature is based on a mix of parent genetics and plant properties. Tropicana Cookies is a cross of Tangie (where the fruit comes from) and Girl Scout Cookies (where the sweet breadiness comes from).
On the other hand, Green Crack is the product of a Skunk #1 and an unknown indica strain and is thus named more for its intense sativa effects than for its parents.
Names that imply intensity are often more sativa-dominant. Names that imply earthiness or purple sweetness are usually indica-leaning.
Weed that’s more energetic or stimulating will often be compared to fuel and other chemical smells, drawing parallels between the chemically explosive nature of its terpene profile with that of gasoline, diesel, or glue (this is the pungent smell Karen’s like complaining about so much).
Gas, poison, and citrus are often associated with the sativa spectrum. Candy, dessert, or “kushes” will usually be more indica-dominant.
Again, this isn’t black and white, as there are no “pure” versions of either; most strains will have a least some amount of the balancing properties of the other, usually.
Taxes Are What Make Weed Expensive
Buying weed in a dispensary for the first time is a magical experience. It reminds me of making love; I wondered why I waited so long to try it and how everything the state education system taught me about it seemed a bit off.
Don’t let sticker shock ruin this experience for you. Yes, cannabis isn’t cheap, although, for many of us, it wasn’t cheap on the black market anyway. Just know that when you’re checking out, and you’re hit with the bill, it isn’t the dispensary that is bilking you; it’s actually “the man.”
Around Portland, for example, at the time of writing, you’re looking at a 17% state tax plus a 3% local tax on all cannabis sales, recreational and medicinal alike. In Washington, that rate is 46%; in California, it’s 45%.
These absurd tax rates are the pound of flesh the government is extracting by allowing us to enjoy this plant free of harassment. It’s fucking nuts, but that’s the way it is.
As such, as much as that tax stings, please don’t direct your ire toward the dispensary or the budtender. These businesses generally scrape by, and budtenders average less than $40k a year, often working long hours and subsisting on tips.
When & How Much To Tip Your Budtender
Speaking of cost, how do you know when and how much to tip the budtender that serves you? Like with all forms of tipping, first and foremost, the people providing you service are often paid hourly, and tips comprise a large portion of their take-home pay, so they are MASSIVELY appreciated by dispensary staff.
If you’re rich, you should always be tipping generously. If you’re a normal person, you should also tip generously, but, and this may be controversial, it may be worth using some discretion.
Dispensary tipping isn’t quite as rigid as restaurants, for example, although one could argue it should be. Maybe if Uncle Sam would stop being so godamn greedy, a larger percentage of the cost could go to the people actually doing the work, but that’s a rant for another day.
Not all budtenders are equal in their service. Honestly, from personal experience, it can be very hit-or-miss regarding how much knowledge these people have and how well-trained they are.
As such, if you’re waiting a long time, not getting any helpful information from your budtender, and are treated like more of a nuisance than a customer, I wouldn’t tip anything.
There is no reason to reward those who put forth zero effort when others are doing their damnedest to help you out.
If your budtender is spending time with you, educating you, letting you smell product if it’s in a deli-style state, and generally creating a positive experience, consider dropping a $5 or $10 tip jar if buying anything more than a quick pre-roll.
If you’re a baller buying entire ounces, $20 would be more appropriate. If you’re going through a rough patch and can’t afford it, no sweat, you can get ’em next time. We all hit rough patches sometimes. There’s no shame there if that’s honestly your situation.
Terpenes Are Everything & Nothing At The Same Time
On the topic of budtenders, if you get a good one, they should bring up terpenes, explain what they are, and provide a few examples of strains/terpene profiles at different ends of the spectrum to help you develop an understanding of the sheer range in variety the cannabis plant can produce.
Terpenes dictate a lot, including how the plant smells, how it can taste on a dry pull/exhale, and even the high sensation you get. There are over 150 terpenes found in cannabis (so far) on top of over 100 different cannabinoids, so dialing in on a perfect ratio is easier said than done.
It’s also been my experience that most budtenders don’t know much about terpenes beyond sativas, and they tend to focus on limonene, β-Pinene, and Humulene. At the same time, indicas will be more Myrcene, Beta-Caryophyllene, and Linalool.
However, knowing the exact terpene profiles of all the flower that are circulating on a given dispensary’s inventory shelves is an almost impossible task.
I’ve had a few Rain Man-type budtenders who were able to identify dominant terpenes from stated favorite strains and then pair me up with a solid recommendation, but most won’t be able to do this.
As such, as lovely as it would be to get robotically efficient terpene pairings, your own nose will likely be the most reliable litmus test in gauging what you like and what you don’t.
Cash Rules Everything Around Me
As long as cannabis is still illegal federally, no large financial institutions will want to process payments or service dispensaries out of fear of potential, although highly unlikely, a future federal investigation and/or prosecution.
As such, just like lawn care and lap dances, dispensaries are almost always a cash-only business. Some dispensaries will skirt this, but those are hard to find and can be fickle with the cards they accept.
So, make sure to bring cash with you beforehand. Yes, dispensaries ALWAYS have ATMs because ATM companies understand the legal landscape and are happy to collect their $3-7 fee per withdrawal.
To save money, you’ll want to withdraw cash from your own bank or credit union’s ATM for free to avoid getting fleeced by in-store ATM companies.
Having $100 on hand is a good starting point, as it’ll buy you some flower and edibles and leave a bit for a tip when you get good service.
If you’re looking to buy anything above an eighth or are stocking up for a multi-day trip, you’ll want more than $200 on hand. Yes, that’s a lot of cash, but remember that states take approximately 20% of each transaction.
Which Form Of Cannabis Is Best?
The various ways THC and other cannabinoids are offered up for sale are dazzling and continually growing.
From less high-oriented products like topical salves to straight-up THC diamonds, the sheer variety can be a bit intimidating if you’re new to the legal cannabis scene.
I highly recommend starting with flower and/or edibles. Flower is simply the whole unprocessed bud of the cannabis plant in all of its natural beauty.
Not only is bud a feast for the nose and eyes, it’s the oldest form of consumption and is easily portioned by taking as few or as many puffs as your stoney little heart so desires.
If you’re new or not very experienced, you’ll likely have quite a low tolerance, so being able to choose how much cannabis you want to consume is an essential element of the buying process.
As such, pre-rolls are a solid entry-level point, allowing you to dip your toes into the market as quickly or slowly as you are comfortable with. Getting blazed isn’t a competition unless you want it to be.
Edibles can also be a great option because you don’t have smoke entering your lungs, which can be less than desirable for some folks.
There are also different recipes used that can increase or decrease the strength of the edible, allowing new and experienced tokers alike to find something that suits their personal tolerance level.
For example, a 5mg serving size edible with a 1:1 THC-to-CBD ratio will be a lot mellower a ride than a 100mg cookie entirely devoid of any CBD.
The thing to remember with edibles, though, is they usually take 30-50 minutes on average to impact, meaning you’ll have to exercise restraint and know how to tell time to avoid overdoing it and having a bad time.
I recommend starting at 5mg for beginners, 10mg for intermediates, and 20mg for more experienced folk.
Yes, some people will drop 100mg or more at a time, but you must be 100% self-confident before undertaking such a feat because while you can’t overdose in the traditional sense from edibles, you can still green-out and have a bad time, mmkay?
Be Honest & Open-Minded
Perhaps the most important thing to know when heading to a dispensary for the first time is that it’s not a contest, and the more transparent you are with your experience level and your desired outcomes, the more likely you are to have a dope time.
Playing it cool and not asking questions might work out. Still, it might also result in you getting a product that’s miles beyond what you’re mentally and physically prepared for and could taint your perception of how great cannabis can actually be.
I need more than two hands to count the number of people I’ve met who said they didn’t like cannabis because “they had a bad time with an edible once” or something similar.
Consuming too much THC is nobody’s fault but your own, and to avoid that, all you need to do is be upfront with your budtender.
This isn’t a high school locker room; nobody will point and laugh at you for wanting not to get zooted beyond belief your first go.
On the contrary, most budtenders prefer to respect the plant rather than abuse it and are very welcoming to newcomers. Most of us want to encourage the growth of the cannabis community, not gatekeep it.
At the end of the day, cannabis is just a plant that humans have been using for centuries in therapeutic applications. This testament to time is worth respecting; if you do, you may find one of the most significant discoveries of your life.
From managing pain to stress to sleep and everything in between, cannabis CAN be truly transformative, of that I am thoroughly convinced.
The Hallowed Gram Summary
Ultimately, dispensaries exist within a capitalist system run by fallible human beings.
There are good and bad ones, and despite how many Google Maps reviews you read, you are bound to have a mixed bag of experiences depending on where you happen to visit.
Generally, though, high volumes of positive reviews in tandem with perhaps a subreddit “/trees” search for the specific city you’re in or visiting is a good way to weed out the worst of the worst.
Overall, I’d say there are far more good dispensaries than bad, though, so don’t sweat the selection process that much.
Cannabis is an herb, and as such, you can apply basic existing knowledge about other herbs in your shopping process (organic cultivation, freshness of product, minimal processing, beautiful aromas) to have a baseline of confidence in your mission.
If you’ve got an experienced homie to accompany you, that’s even better. If not, don’t worry; if you establish a constructive relationship with the plant, you’ll find some new homies in no time!
So with that, go forth and prosper in your discovery of the cannabis plant and, in doing so, discover yourself. Embrace the experience and embrace the high. Don’t fight getting lifted; embrace the flight. Spread your wings and fly!
P.S. Don’t forget to bring your ID to the dispensary; cannabis is for 21+ year-olds only!
